Most people believe habits are hard to change because they lack willpower.

They tell themselves they need to try harder, be more disciplined, or finally “stick to a decision”.

And when the habit returns, it’s often followed by frustration, self-criticism, or a sense of failure.

But there’s a much quieter — and far more important — reason habits can be difficult to let go of.

They once served a purpose.

Habits aren’t random — they’re functional

Very few habits appear out of nowhere.

Most form during periods of stress, pressure, emotional overload, or change.

At the time, the habit does a job. It might:

• reduce stress
• create a pause
• offer comfort or relief
• provide distraction
• give a sense of control

That doesn’t make the habit “bad”.
It makes it functional.

The problem isn’t that the habit exists.
It’s that it can quite often continue long after the situation it was designed for has passed.

Why deciding to change often isn’t enough.

Many people approach change by making a firm decision.

“I’ve decided — this time I’m serious.”
“I just need to stick to it.”
“I won’t let myself do this anymore.”

But if the habit is still meeting an unmet need, the mind stays in negotiation mode.

Each time the habit returns, it’s not defiance —
it’s the mind stepping in to protect something it believes is still necessary.

This is why constantly 're-deciding' can feel exhausting.
You’re asking the mind to let go of a coping strategy without showing it there’s another way to feel safe.

The role of identity in habit change

Another piece that often gets overlooked is identity.

When someone still sees themselves as “a person with this habit”, or “someone trying to stop”, the behaviour remains psychologically relevant to the mind.

The mind prefers consistency.
So it works hard to maintain alignment between identity and behaviour.

This is why habits often soften when identity begins to shift.

When someone starts to see themselves differently —
not as someone battling a habit, but as someone who no longer needs it —
the behaviour has far less to attach to.

Change becomes quieter.
Less effortful.
More settled.

Why force rarely creates lasting change.

Force can create short-term compliance, but it often increases internal conflict.

One part of the mind pushes forward.
Another part pulls back to safety.

Over time, this push–pull dynamic can drain energy and reinforces the habit it’s trying to remove.

Lasting change doesn’t come from breaking habits through pressure.

It comes from understanding why the habit formed, and recognising when it’s no longer needed.

When understanding replaces judgement, the nervous system settles.

And when the system settles, habits often loosen naturally.

A more sustainable way forward.

If a habit feels hard to let go of, it doesn’t mean you’re failing.

It means the habit once helped you cope.

Change doesn’t require fighting yourself or re-living the past.

It requires clarity, safety, and a shift in how you relate to the behaviour.

When the mind no longer needs the habit to do a job,
and identity begins to settle into something new, the habit has nothing left to hold onto.

And that’s when change becomes sustainable.

If this resonates, you may also find it helpful to read more about how habits form as a form of protection in this article here .

Frequently asked questions

Why do habits feel so hard to change, even when I really want to?

Habits are often difficult to change because they once served a purpose. At some point, the habit helped reduce stress, create comfort, or provide a sense of control. When the mind still believes that purpose exists, it will hold onto the habit even when you consciously want to change.

Is it normal to keep going back to a habit after deciding to stop?

Yes. This doesn’t mean you’re weak or failing. Repeating a habit usually means the underlying need it met hasn’t yet been addressed. Until the mind feels safe letting go, it may keep returning to what it knows works.

Why doesn’t willpower seem to work long term?

Willpower focuses on resisting behaviour, not understanding it. While it can work short term, it often creates internal conflict. Lasting change is more likely when the reason behind the habit is understood and no longer needed.

What role does identity play in habit change?

Identity plays a significant role. When someone still sees themselves as “a person with this habit” or “someone trying to stop”, the behaviour stays relevant. As identity shifts to reflect who they are becoming, the habit often loses its grip.

Does understanding a habit really make a difference?

Yes. Understanding reduces judgement and internal pressure, which helps the nervous system settle. When the system feels calmer and safer, habits often soften naturally rather than needing to be forced away.

Can habits change without force or pressure?

For many people, yes. Habits that formed as coping strategies often fade when they are no longer needed. Change becomes more sustainable when it comes from clarity and understanding rather than constant effort or self-control.

How does hypnotherapy support habit change?

Hypnotherapy works with the unconscious mind, where habits and identity patterns are held. It supports change by helping the mind recognise when an old coping pattern is no longer necessary, allowing new responses to feel safer and more natural.

If a habit helped me once, does that mean I’ll always need it?

No. Coping strategies are often situation-specific. What helped during one chapter of life doesn’t always fit the next. Recognising this allows the mind to release habits that have outlived their usefulness.

Habits don’t need breaking — they need understanding.