Have you ever noticed how easily you can offer kindness, encouragement and understanding to someone else, yet find it almost impossible to extend that same kindness to yourself?

A friend makes a mistake and you reassure them. Someone you care about is struggling and you tell them not to be so hard on themselves.

But when it's you who's made the mistake, forgotten something or hasn't quite lived up to your own expectations, the response can be very different.

You might criticise yourself, replay what happened or feel that you should have done better.

So why does being kind to yourself sometimes feel so uncomfortable?

The answer may have more to do with what you've learned over the years than you realise.

Why am I so hard on myself but kind to everyone else?

For some people, being hard on themselves has become such a familiar habit that they barely notice they're doing it.

Perhaps you grew up believing you had to work hard, behave well, achieve certain standards or put other people's needs first to earn approval.

You might have learned that being critical of yourself was a way of staying motivated, avoiding mistakes or protecting yourself from criticism.

Over time, these messages can become automatic patterns of thinking within the mind.

Your unconscious mind learns through repetition, and when you've practised a particular way of responding to yourself for years, it can begin to feel completely normal.

But just because a thought feels familiar doesn't mean it's true.

And being hard on yourself isn't necessarily making you a better person. Sometimes it's simply making life harder than it needs to be.

Why do I feel guilty when I put myself first?

If you're someone who spends much of your time looking after everyone else, taking time for yourself can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.

You might think:

I should be doing something useful.

Someone else needs me more.

I haven't earned the right to relax.

What will people think if I say no?

This can be particularly common among people who have spent years being the dependable one, the person everyone turns to when something needs doing.

The difficulty is that constantly putting yourself last can leave you exhausted, resentful or overwhelmed.

Being kind to yourself doesn't mean you stop caring about other people.

It means recognising that your needs matter too.

And sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to say no without feeling you need to provide a lengthy explanation.

Is being kind to yourself the same as being selfish?

No. There is an important difference between self-kindness and selfishness.

Selfishness involves disregarding other people's needs or wellbeing.

Self-kindness means recognising your own needs and treating yourself with the same consideration you would offer someone you care about.

It doesn't mean avoiding responsibility, ignoring mistakes or pretending everything is wonderful when it isn't.

You can acknowledge that something went wrong without attacking yourself for it.

You can recognise that you need to make changes without believing you're a failure.

And you can take a break without having to justify it.

Think about how you would encourage a child who was learning something new. Would you tell them they were hopeless every time they made a mistake?

Probably not.

Yet many adults speak to themselves in ways they would never dream of speaking to someone else.

Can being too hard on yourself make anxiety worse?

Yes, persistent self-criticism can contribute to anxiety and emotional distress.

When you're continually questioning whether you've done enough, said the right thing or disappointed someone, your mind can become increasingly focused on what might go wrong.

You may find yourself overthinking conversations, worrying about mistakes or feeling that nothing you do is ever quite good enough.

And when your mind is constantly searching for possible problems, it can become difficult to relax.

Research supports the potential benefits of developing greater self-compassion.

A 2023 review of 56 randomised controlled trials found that interventions focused on self-compassion could help reduce anxiety, stress and symptoms of depression, although the researchers also highlighted limitations in the quality of the evidence.

This suggests that learning to respond to ourselves with greater understanding may be a valuable part of improving emotional wellbeing.

Self-kindness isn't a magic switch that makes anxiety disappear, but it can help change the way you respond when things become difficult.

Why is it so difficult to stop negative self-talk?

One reason is that negative self-talk can become automatic.

You may not consciously decide to criticise yourself. The thought simply appears.

Perhaps you've been telling yourself you're not good enough, not clever enough or not doing enough for so long that those messages have become familiar.

And familiar thoughts can begin to feel like facts.

But thoughts are not commands.

You don't have to believe every thought that enters your mind, and you certainly don't have to act on every one.

The first step is often learning to notice what you're saying to yourself.

Instead of immediately accepting a critical thought, you can begin to question it.

Is this actually true?

Would I say this to someone I care about?

Is there another, kinder way of looking at this situation?

You're not trying to force yourself to think positively all the time. You're simply giving yourself the opportunity to respond differently.

How can I learn to be kinder to myself?

You don't have to make enormous changes overnight. Small, consistent steps can make a difference.

Notice your inner dialogue. Pay attention to the words you use when something doesn't go to plan. Are you encouraging yourself or making an already difficult situation worse?

Speak to yourself as you would a friend. If someone you cared about was experiencing the same difficulty, what would you say to them?

Allow yourself to be an individual. Everyone makes mistakes, has difficult days and sometimes struggles. Perfection isn't a requirement for being worthy of kindness.

Practise saying no. Having boundaries doesn't make you unkind. It allows you to look after your own wellbeing as well as caring for others.

Take a few minutes for yourself. You don't have to wait until you're completely exhausted before giving yourself permission to rest.

And remember, if self-kindness feels strange at first, that doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.

It may simply be unfamiliar.

Ready to give yourself a little kindness?

I've created a free five-minute Kindness to Self hypnosis audio to help you take a few moments for yourself, relax and begin developing a kinder relationship with yourself.

Get your free Kindness to Self audio

Can hypnotherapy help with self-criticism and low self-esteem?

When a particular belief has been repeated for many years, simply telling yourself to think differently may not feel enough.

In my work as a Clinical Hypnotherapist, I help clients explore the patterns that may be holding them back and develop more helpful responses.

Hypnotherapy uses focused attention and relaxation alongside therapeutic suggestions to support change. It isn't about losing control or having someone else take over your mind.

The aim isn't to become a completely different person.

It's to begin treating yourself with more understanding, recognise your strengths and feel more comfortable being who you are.

How can I start being kinder to myself today?

Sometimes a few quiet minutes can be a good place to start.

As part of World Kindness Day, I've created a free five-minute Kindness to Self hypnosis audio to give you an opportunity to stop, relax and begin practising a kinder way of relating to yourself.

You don't need any previous experience of hypnotherapy.

Simply find somewhere comfortable where you won't be disturbed, and allow yourself eight minutes that are just for you.

Listen to your free Kindness to Self hypnosis audio

Because kindness shouldn't be something you only give to everyone else.

You deserve some of it too.

Ready to stop being so hard on yourself?

If self-criticism, anxiety or a lack of confidence is affecting your everyday life, you don't have to keep struggling with those familiar patterns.

I offer a free 45-minute initial consultation where we can talk about what's happening for you, what you'd like to change and whether hypnotherapy could help.

Book your free initial consultation

Frequently asked questions about being kind to yourself

Why do I feel uncomfortable when someone is kind to me?

If you're used to criticism, having to earn approval or always being the person who looks after others, receiving kindness can feel unfamiliar. Learning to accept support and positive attention may take practice.

Can self-compassion help with anxiety?

Research suggests that self-compassion practices can help reduce anxiety and stress for some people. They may also make it easier to respond to difficult thoughts without adding further self-criticism.

How long does it take to develop a kinder inner voice?

There isn't a fixed timescale. It depends on your experiences, how established the patterns are and how consistently you practise responding differently. Small changes can begin with simply noticing your thoughts.

What is the difference between self-kindness and positive thinking?

Positive thinking often focuses on looking for the good in a situation. Self-kindness is about treating yourself with understanding, even when circumstances are difficult or things haven't gone well.