Have you ever found yourself thinking you're not good enough?

Perhaps you don't feel worthy enough. Maybe you lack confidence, constantly question your decisions, or worry about what other people think of you.

You might find yourself comparing your life to other people's, wondering why everyone else seems to have things worked out while you're still second guessing yourself.

And perhaps you've even said:

“I've always been this way.”

Well, I'd like to put the cat amongst the pigeons here and ask you something.

Have you? Have you really?

Because you weren't born believing you weren't good enough.

You weren't born worrying about whether people liked you.

And you certainly didn't arrive in this world thinking everyone else's needs and opinions were more important than your own!

So where did those beliefs come from?

And, more importantly, do you have to carry on believing them?

Why do I feel like I'm not good enough?

When you've believed something about yourself for years, it can be difficult to imagine feeling any differently.

Perhaps you grew up believing you had to do everything perfectly to receive praise.

Maybe you were compared to a brother, sister or classmate who always seemed to do better.

Or perhaps somebody made a comment about you that they forgot five minutes later, but you've remembered for the past thirty years.

It's remarkable how something another person says can stay with us.

And sometimes we don't even remember the original experience. We simply remember the feeling.

Over time, you may start interpreting new experiences through those old beliefs.

You make a mistake at work and think, “I knew I wasn't good enough.”

Someone doesn't reply to your message and you wonder whether you've upset them.

You receive a compliment and immediately dismiss it because you don't quite believe it.

Yet when something goes well, you might put it down to luck rather than recognising your own abilities.

And so the belief continues.

Not necessarily because it's true, but because you've become so accustomed to looking for evidence that supports it.

I've explored how these beliefs can affect confidence in another article, Why do I lack confidence? The belief that's usually hiding underneath it.

Are we born with our personalities, or do we learn them?

Now, this opens up a rather interesting debate.

Nature versus nurture.

Are we born with our personalities, or are they shaped by our experiences?

It's something psychologists have been discussing for generations.

And the answer is I believe that both play a part.

We may be born with certain natural tendencies. Some children are naturally more cautious, others more adventurous. Some are particularly sensitive to their surroundings, while others seem happy to throw themselves into anything.

But our experiences also help shape how those tendencies develop.

Our upbringing, relationships, education and the messages we receive from other people all contribute to how we see ourselves and the world.

Imagine two children who are naturally quite sensitive.

One grows up being encouraged, listened to and reassured that making mistakes is simply part of learning.

The other is frequently criticised, compared with others or made to feel that getting something wrong is unacceptable.

They may develop very different beliefs about themselves.

One might grow up seeing sensitivity as a strength.

The other might begin to believe they're not capable, that they must keep everybody happy or that they should avoid doing anything that might lead to criticism.

Of course, life is rarely that simple, and people respond differently to similar experiences.

But the point is that our experiences can influence the beliefs we develop about ourselves.

And those beliefs are not necessarily facts.

Why do negative beliefs about myself feel so true?

Here's something worth considering.

If you've spent twenty, thirty or even fifty years believing you're not good enough, that belief can start to feel like part of your personality.

You might describe yourself as someone who has always lacked confidence.

Or perhaps you say, “I'm just a worrier. That's how I am.”

But there's a difference between your personality and the beliefs and responses you've developed throughout your life.

Our brains are constantly learning.

When we repeat a particular way of thinking or responding, it can become increasingly familiar and automatic.

And once we've developed a belief about ourselves, we may pay more attention to experiences that seem to confirm it.

Psychologists call this confirmation bias.

For example, imagine you believe you're not very good at speaking in front of people.

You give a presentation and twenty people respond positively, but one person looks distracted.

Which response are you most likely to remember?

If you already believe you're not good enough, you might spend the rest of the day thinking about that one person.

You may completely overlook the twenty people who enjoyed your presentation.

And afterwards, you tell yourself, “See? I knew I wasn't very good.”

But was that really what happened?

Or did an old belief influence how you interpreted the experience?

Sometimes a belief becomes so familiar that we start using it to describe who we are.

“I'm shy.”

“I'm not confident.”

“I'm just an anxious person.”

But are these permanent parts of our identity, or descriptions we've repeated for so long that we've stopped questioning them?

That's something I explore further in Why do I keep labelling myself?.

Do other people see me differently from how I see myself?

This is something I find particularly fascinating.

If I asked your friends, family or colleagues to describe you, would they describe the same person you see when you look at yourself?

Perhaps you think you lack confidence, but your colleagues see someone who's knowledgeable, capable and dependable.

Maybe you think you're not good enough, while your friends wonder why you can't recognise all the wonderful qualities they see in you.

Or perhaps you spend hours second guessing decisions, while your family sees someone who regularly makes sensible choices and manages difficult situations.

Now, I'm not suggesting that other people always know us better than we know ourselves.

But they may see qualities we've stopped recognising.

And sometimes their perspective can challenge the story we've been telling ourselves.

This can become particularly noticeable when someone compliments you.

They tell you you've done something brilliantly, and instead of accepting it, you immediately explain why they're wrong!

Perhaps you've found yourself doing exactly that. If so, you might recognise some of the examples in my article Why do compliments make me uncomfortable?.

So here's a little experiment.

Ask somebody you trust to describe three qualities they appreciate about you.

And when they answer, notice what happens.

Do you accept what they're saying?

Or does your mind immediately start finding reasons why they're wrong?

Can believing I'm not good enough affect my confidence and anxiety?

Absolutely.

If you believe you're not capable, you may hesitate before doing something new.

If you worry about being judged, you might avoid speaking up, even when you've got something valuable to contribute.

And if you're constantly concerned about disappointing people, saying no can become surprisingly difficult.

You might find yourself agreeing to things you don't want to do, then feeling exhausted or resentful afterwards.

Or perhaps your mind goes over conversations repeatedly.

Did I say the wrong thing?

What did they mean by that?

Have I upset them?

What if they don't like me?

Before long, you can spend more time worrying about what might happen than enjoying what's actually happening.

And that can be exhausting.

If you recognise that habit of mentally replaying conversations, you might find Why do I keep having conversations and arguments in my head? interesting, because those imagined conversations can sometimes reveal what we're worried other people might think of us.

One of the things people frequently tell me is that they want to feel calmer, more in control and able to think clearly again.

They want to stop worrying about every possible outcome.

They want to make decisions without constantly questioning themselves.

And perhaps most importantly, they want to feel like themselves again.

But what if the person they believe themselves to be isn't the whole picture?

Can I change beliefs I've had since childhood?

Yes, beliefs can change.

And here's something I think we sometimes forget.

You've already changed your mind about hundreds of things throughout your life.

Perhaps there was something you were convinced you couldn't do until one day you did it.

Maybe you once held an opinion so strongly that nobody could have persuaded you otherwise, until you had an experience that made you see things differently.

Or perhaps you've discovered that something you were frightened of wasn't quite as frightening as you'd imagined.

We are constantly learning and adapting.

Our brains have an ability known as neuroplasticity, which allows neural connections to change through learning and experience.

That doesn't mean every long-held belief can disappear overnight.

Some beliefs are deeply connected to difficult experiences and may need careful therapeutic support.

But it does mean that the way you've learned to think or respond isn't necessarily permanent.

Just because you've believed something for a long time doesn't mean you have to keep believing it.

And just because a response has become familiar doesn't mean it's the only response available to you.

There's another question worth asking here.

If you can recognise kindness, patience and understanding as qualities other people deserve, why can it be so difficult to offer those same things to yourself?

I explored that question in Why are we kinder to our friends than we are to ourselves?.

How can hypnotherapy help with low self-worth and negative beliefs?

When I work with someone who tells me they've always lacked confidence or never felt good enough, I'm interested in understanding how they've come to believe that about themselves.

Sometimes there's an experience they remember clearly.

Perhaps something happened at school, in a relationship or during their working life.

Other times, there's no single event. The belief may have developed gradually through repeated experiences.

And sometimes they simply don't know where it came from.

That's okay too.

One of the things I find particularly interesting is that people can understand something logically without feeling it emotionally.

You might know perfectly well that you're capable.

You might have qualifications, years of experience, a successful career or a family who think the world of you.

Yet somewhere inside, you still feel you're not good enough.

And no amount of telling yourself otherwise seems to make much difference.

Hypnotherapy can be one way of exploring those familiar beliefs and emotional responses, helping you develop new ways of thinking and responding.

In my sessions, I work collaboratively with clients, taking their individual experiences and circumstances into account.

For some people, the focus is on feeling calmer and more in control.

For others, it's about rebuilding or recovering their confidence, trusting their own judgement or feeling more comfortable being themselves.

The process and results vary from person to person, but change is possible.

And sometimes an important starting point is simply recognising that a belief you've carried for years may not be an accurate reflection of who you are.

What if I'm not the person I've always believed myself to be?

I'd like to leave you with something to think about.

The next time you hear yourself saying:

“I've always been this way.”

Ask yourself:

“Have I really? Or is that simply what I've come to believe about myself?”

Think about the experiences that may have influenced those beliefs.

Think about the qualities other people see in you that you sometimes struggle to recognise.

And consider whether there might be another way of looking at yourself.

Because just because you think you've always been this way doesn't mean you have to carry on being this way.

What you believe about yourself isn't necessarily who you really are.

And perhaps it's time you gave yourself the opportunity to discover that.

Ready to feel more confident in yourself?

I'm Lesley Ford, a Clinical Hypnotherapist based in Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, working with clients throughout the UK online.

I specialise in anxiety, emotional trauma and confidence, helping people explore the thoughts, beliefs and responses that may be holding them back.

If you'd like to find out whether hypnotherapy could help you, I offer a free 45-minute consultation where we can talk about what you're experiencing and what you'd like to change.

Book your free consultation

And if you'd like to hear me exploring this subject in my latest Lesley Logic video, watch it here.