Imagine your friend phones you after making a mistake at work.

“I can’t believe I did that,” they say. “I feel such an idiot.”

What would you say?

Would you tell them:

“You’re useless.”

“You always get things wrong.”

“Everyone probably thinks you’re incompetent.”

“You really should have known better.”

Probably not.

You would be far more likely to say:

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Everybody makes mistakes.”

“You can sort it out.”

“One mistake doesn’t change everything you’re good at.”

Yet make exactly the same mistake yourself and suddenly the rules can change.

“I’m such an idiot.”

“Why did I do that?”

“I always get things wrong.”

“What must they think of me?”

And there is something rather interesting about that.

If you wouldn’t speak to someone you care about that way, why is it acceptable to speak to yourself that way?

Why am I kinder to other people than I am to myself?

When somebody you care about makes a mistake, you can usually see the whole person.

You remember all the things they do well.

You know they may have been tired, distracted, nervous or simply having a bad day.

You recognise that one mistake doesn’t suddenly erase their ability, intelligence or value.

But when it happens to you, it can feel very different.

Instead of seeing the whole picture, your mind zooms in on the thing that went wrong.

“I made a mistake” can quickly become:

“I’m useless.”

“I didn’t know the answer” becomes:

“I’m not good enough.”

“I felt nervous” becomes:

“I’ve got no confidence.”

Notice the difference.

One describes what happened.

The other describes who you are.

And those are not the same thing.

I talk more about this tendency to turn an experience into an identity in Why do I keep labelling myself?

Why do I judge myself more harshly than I judge other people?

Partly because you know every detail of your own story.

You know what you intended to do.

You know what you think you should have done.

You know every little hesitation, every doubt and every moment you think you could have handled differently.

With another person, you usually don't have access to all of that internal commentary.

You see the situation.

With yourself, you see the situation and hear the running commentary about it.

That can make it very easy to hold yourself to a standard you would never expect somebody else to meet.

Your friend says:

“I was nervous giving that presentation.”

You say:

“Of course you were. Most people would be.”

You give the same presentation and feel nervous:

“Why was I nervous? I should be able to do this by now.”

Same experience.

Completely different interpretation.

Those thoughts can become so familiar that you hardly notice them anymore.

The more frequently a particular response is repeated, the more familiar and automatic it can become.

I explore this in more detail in Why do habits become automatic? How your mind learns routines and reactions.

Habits are not only things we physically do.

We can develop habitual ways of thinking, interpreting and responding too.

Where does harsh self-talk come from?

There isn't one answer that applies to everybody.

Sometimes people recognise phrases they heard growing up.

Perhaps mistakes were quickly pointed out.

Perhaps praise was rare.

Perhaps expectations were high.

Perhaps you learned that doing well earned approval.

Perhaps you were compared with other people.

Or a teacher, parent, sibling, partner or bully said things that stayed with you much longer than they ever realised.

And sometimes there is no obvious person or moment at all.

A pattern may simply have developed over time.

This is something I explored from another angle in When your inner voice becomes the loudest critic.

The important point is that a critical internal voice is not necessarily an accurate voice.

Familiar does not automatically mean true.

Why do I expect more from myself than I expect from other people?

Because sometimes high expectations become connected with safety, approval or self-worth.

“If I get everything right, nobody can criticise me.”

“If I work harder, I'll be good enough.”

“If I don't make mistakes, people will respect me.”

“If I'm always prepared, nothing will catch me out.”

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do something well.

There is nothing wrong with having standards.

The question is what happens when you fall short of them.

Do you think:

“That didn't go quite as I'd hoped. What can I learn from it?”

Or:

“That was terrible. I'm hopeless.”

Those two responses can lead to very different experiences.

One looks at the behaviour.

The other attacks the person.

Does being hard on myself make me more successful?

This is where people sometimes become worried about the idea of being kinder to themselves.

“If I stop giving myself a hard time, won't I become lazy?”

“Surely I need to push myself?”

But kindness and accountability are not opposites.

Think about how you would help a friend.

If your friend genuinely needed to change something, you wouldn't necessarily tell them:

“Everything you do is wonderful. Don't change a thing.”

You might say:

“That didn't work. What could you do differently next time?”

That is still honest.

It simply removes the personal attack.

You can hold yourself accountable without humiliating yourself.

You can recognise a mistake without turning the mistake into your identity.

You can want to improve without starting from the assumption that there is something fundamentally wrong with you.

Can the way I speak to myself affect my confidence?

It can certainly influence the way you experience yourself.

Imagine being accompanied all day by somebody who says:

“You'll probably mess this up.”

“Don't say anything stupid.”

“You're not as good as everybody else.”

“You looked ridiculous.”

“You shouldn't have said that.”

Would you expect to feel more confident after listening to them?

Maybe not.

Yet when those words are coming from inside our own heads, we sometimes don't challenge them at all.

Confidence isn't necessarily about never feeling nervous or uncertain.

It can also be about trusting yourself enough to handle what happens without tearing yourself apart afterwards.

I explore this in more detail in Why do I lack confidence? The belief that's usually hiding underneath it.

Why do I replay my mistakes but forget the things I did well?

Imagine you have a day in which twenty things go perfectly well and one doesn't.

Which one are you most likely to think about in bed that night?

For many people, it is the one that went wrong.

You may replay it.

Rewrite the conversation.

Imagine what somebody else thought.

Think about what you should have said.

Meanwhile, the twenty things you handled perfectly well barely receive a mention.

That doesn't necessarily mean your mind is deliberately being difficult.

Human attention is very good at noticing things that might need correcting or learning from.

But if every small error receives an hour-long internal investigation while your successes are dismissed in seconds, the picture you build of yourself becomes distorted.

How can I start speaking to myself differently?

I'm not suggesting that you stand in front of the mirror every morning declaring:

“I am absolutely amazing!”

If you don't believe it, your mind may simply respond:

“No you're not.”

Start with something much simpler.

Listen.

Notice the language you use with yourself.

Especially after a mistake, an awkward moment or something that hasn't gone as planned.

Then ask:

“Would I say that to someone I care about?”

If the answer is no, you don't need to leap to the opposite extreme.

Just make it more accurate.

Instead of saying:

“I'm useless.”

perhaps change it to:

“I got that wrong.”

Instead of saying:

“I always make a mess of everything.”

perhaps change it to:

“That didn't go as I wanted it to.”

Instead of saying:

“I've got no confidence.”

perhaps change it to:

“I felt nervous in that situation.”

Accuracy is powerful because it stops one event turning into a judgement about your entire identity.

What would I say to a friend in exactly the same situation?

This may be one of the simplest questions you can ask yourself.

Imagine your closest friend tells you exactly what happened.

Same mistake.

Same circumstances.

Same result.

What would you say to them?

Then notice how different that response is from what you said to yourself.

You don't necessarily have to use exactly the same words.

But perhaps you could give yourself the same fairness.

The same context.

The same room to be human.

Because self-compassion doesn't mean letting yourself off everything.

It means not applying a harsher set of rules simply because the person involved happens to be you.

Can hypnotherapy help change negative self-talk?

When a way of thinking has become automatic, consciously telling yourself to “stop doing it” isn't always enough.

You may already know you are too hard on yourself.

You may know your friends don't see you the way you see yourself.

You may even know logically that some of the things you tell yourself simply aren't true.

Yet the response still appears.

Hypnotherapy works with unconscious patterns, learned associations and beliefs that may sit underneath those automatic responses.

For one person, self-criticism may be connected with perfectionism.

For another, fear of judgement.

For someone else, an old belief about not being good enough.

The aim is not to fill your mind with unrealistic positive statements.

It is to help change an old pattern that may no longer reflect who you are now.

Where can I get help with confidence and negative self-talk in Cheltenham?

I am Lesley Ford, a Clinical Hypnotherapist based in Cheltenham, Gloucestershire, specialising in anxiety, confidence and emotional patterns.

I work online via Zoom with clients in Cheltenham, Gloucester, Tewkesbury, Cirencester, Worcestershire and throughout the UK.

If you recognise that the way you speak to yourself has started affecting your confidence, anxiety or the choices you make, I offer a free 45-minute consultation.

It gives us time to talk about what has been happening, lets me understand what you would like to change and whether hypnotherapy may be suitable for you.

There is no hypnosis during the consultation and no obligation to book afterwards.

Frequently asked questions about negative self-talk

Why am I so critical of myself?

Self-criticism can develop for many reasons, including past experiences, expectations, comparison with others and repeated patterns of thinking. Eventually the response can become so familiar that it happens automatically.

Why am I kinder to everyone except myself?

We often give other people context and compassion while judging ourselves against our expectations of what we believe we should have done. That can create a double standard in the way we interpret exactly the same mistake.

Is negative self-talk a habit?

It can become habitual. When particular thoughts or responses are repeated frequently, they can begin to appear quickly and automatically without much conscious consideration.

Does negative self-talk cause low confidence?

Confidence is influenced by many factors, but repeatedly criticising yourself can reinforce existing beliefs about your ability or worth and affect how you approach situations.

How do I stop being so hard on myself?

Start by noticing the language you use. Ask whether you would use those words with somebody you care about, and replace global judgements such as “I'm useless” with a more accurate description of what actually happened.

Is being kind to myself the same as making excuses?

No. You can acknowledge mistakes, take responsibility and make changes without attacking yourself personally.

Can hypnotherapy help me become more confident?

Hypnotherapy can be used to explore and change unconscious beliefs and learned patterns that may contribute to self-doubt, negative self-talk and confidence difficulties. Treatment is individual, so what is addressed will depend on your own experiences and goals.

Can I have hypnotherapy for confidence online?

Yes. Phoenix Hypnotherapy offers online hypnotherapy via Zoom, so you can work with me from your own home anywhere in the UK. Find out more with a free consultation here

One question to take away with you

The next time you hear yourself saying:

“I'm useless.”

“I always get things wrong.”

“Why can't I just…”

pause for a moment.

Imagine somebody you love had done exactly the same thing.

Would you speak to them the way you have just spoken to yourself?

And if the answer is no, perhaps you don't need another lecture from yourself.

Perhaps you need the same reasonable, fair response you would have offered them.

Lesley's Logic: If you wouldn't say it to someone you care about, perhaps it's worth questioning why you keep saying it to yourself.