Have you ever looked back at a younger version of yourself and wondered:

Where did that person go?

Perhaps you remember being carefree, determined or willing to have a go without analysing everything first.

Yet somewhere along the way, that changed.

Now you might second-guess yourself, worry about getting things wrong or avoid opportunities because a little voice asks, “What if I fail?”

And you may have come to the conclusion:

“I've lost my confidence.”

But have you?

Perhaps confidence isn't something you need to manufacture from scratch.

Perhaps some of the determination that once came so naturally is still there, underneath everything you've learnt since.

Why have I lost my confidence?

Confidence can change throughout our lives.

Experiences such as criticism, embarrassment, rejection, bullying, difficult relationships, anxiety or something going badly when we took a chance can all influence how willing we are to put ourselves forward again.

And sometimes the change happens so gradually that we don't even notice it.

The person who once thought:

“I'll have a go.”

starts thinking:

“What if I get it wrong?”

And eventually:

“I'd better not.”

Do that often enough and it's very easy to start believing:

“I'm just not a confident person.”

But that doesn't necessarily tell us who you are.

It may tell us something about what you've learnt.

This is similar to something I often see with anxiety. A response can become so familiar that people begin to regard it as part of their personality rather than something they've learnt along the way.

I explore that further in Is anxiety part of my personality, or is it learned?

What happened to the determination you had as a child?

This is something I find fascinating.

I believe we're born with an incredible inner drive to communicate, explore, learn and persist.

Think about a baby.

If they're hungry, wet, uncomfortable or angry, they'll let somebody know.

They're not lying there wondering:

“Am I making too much fuss?”

“What will everybody think of me?”

“Perhaps I shouldn't bother anyone.”

They communicate what they need.

Then think about a toddler learning to crawl or walk.

Perhaps they've seen Mum or Dad walking around. Perhaps an older brother or sister disappears across the room and they want to follow.

So they attempt it.

They pull themselves up.

They wobble.

They fall down.

And they have another go.

A toddler doesn't fall over twice and conclude:

“Obviously, I'm just not a walking person.”

There is an inner determination to keep learning.

The same happens with language. Children don't stop attempting to speak because the first word they try isn't pronounced perfectly.

They practise.

They experiment.

They get things wrong.

They keep going.

And through doing that, they learn what they're capable of.

That willingness to have a go creates experience, and experience can become evidence for confidence.

Can childhood experiences affect your confidence as an adult?

Now imagine something different.

A child enthusiastically puts their hand up in class.

They give the wrong answer and other children laugh.

Or perhaps they're repeatedly criticised when they attempt something.

Maybe they're compared with a sibling.

Perhaps they're bullied, rejected or made to feel that drawing attention to themselves isn't safe.

An experience doesn't have to consciously dominate someone's life for them to learn something from it.

From my perspective as a hypnotherapist, the unconscious mind can continue using earlier experiences and associations as reference points.

What was once:

“I'll have a go.”

can become:

“Be careful.”

“Don't embarrass yourself.”

“Don't draw attention to yourself.”

“Remember what happened last time.”

The intention may be protective.

If doing something once resulted in embarrassment, rejection or hurt, avoiding something similar in the future can seem like a perfectly sensible strategy to the unconscious mind.

The difficulty comes when an old protective response continues operating in circumstances where it is no longer needed.

Why do I lack confidence even though I know I'm capable?

This is something I hear frequently.

Someone can have qualifications, experience, knowledge and plenty of evidence that they're capable, yet still doubt themselves.

Consciously they know:

“I can do this.”

But another response seems to say:

“Don't risk it.”

That's why simply telling yourself to “be more confident” isn't always enough.

Positive thinking has its place, but confidence generally needs more than repeating encouraging words to yourself.

I've written more about this in Does positive thinking actually build confidence?

One of the ways we develop confidence is through experience.

We have a go.

We discover what happens.

We learn.

We adjust.

And we gradually collect evidence that says:

“Actually, I can do this.”

But if fear of failure continually prevents you from having those experiences, you don't get the opportunity to collect new evidence.

And that's where an interesting possibility emerges:

Maybe you didn't lose your confidence. Maybe you learnt to stop giving yourself opportunities to experience it.

Can anxiety make you lose confidence?

Anxiety can certainly affect how confident you feel.

When your mind is continually looking for what might go wrong, even ordinary decisions can start to feel risky.

You may begin avoiding situations.

You might seek reassurance.

You may overthink decisions that you once made easily.

And every time anxiety makes the decision for you, your trust in your own ability can become a little quieter.

I've explored this relationship between anxiety, control and automatic protective responses in Who is driving your life? Understanding anxiety, control, and survival mode.

There is also a very practical example in my article about driving anxiety.

Someone can be a perfectly confident driver for years and then, following particular experiences, begin feeling frightened behind the wheel.

Their ability to drive hasn't suddenly vanished.

Their relationship with driving has changed.

You can read more in Driving anxiety: why it happens and how confidence returns.

Can you regain confidence after losing it?

I don't necessarily see confidence work as creating a brand-new, fearless version of somebody.

You don't need to become louder.

You don't have to become an extrovert.

And you certainly don't need to turn into somebody you're not.

Instead, we can begin looking at what happened between the child who instinctively thought “I'll have a go” and the adult who now thinks “I'd better not.”

What did you learn?

What experiences changed the way you saw yourself?

When did you start worrying more about getting things wrong?

And is that old learning still accurate for the person you are today?

Confidence can also shift at different stages of life. I've explored that specifically in Why confidence changes in midlife.

How do you rebuild confidence in yourself?

Perhaps the first question isn't:

“How can I make myself confident?”

Perhaps it's:

“What taught me to stop trusting myself?”

Start noticing where you automatically assume you can't do something.

Notice the things you avoid because you might get them wrong.

Think about something you do confidently today that once required practice.

Driving.

Using technology.

Doing your job.

Speaking to clients.

Cooking.

Parenting.

Learning a skill.

None of those things arrived fully formed.

You learnt.

You practised.

You made mistakes.

You gained experience.

And somewhere along the way, something that once required conscious effort became something you simply knew you could do.

That's your confidence in action.

Can hypnotherapy help with confidence and self-belief?

Hypnotherapy can provide an opportunity to work with some of the unconscious beliefs and associations that may sit beneath a lack of confidence.

Rather than simply repeating “I am confident” when another part of you doesn't believe it, we can explore what that protective part has learnt and whether those old responses are still useful today.

The aim isn't to erase your personality or turn you into somebody else.

It's about helping the conscious and unconscious parts of your mind move in the same direction.

Because underneath years of second-guessing, criticism, comparison or anxiety, there may still be a part of you that remembers something very important:

how to have a go.

And perhaps confidence isn't always about becoming someone new.

Sometimes it's about reconnecting with the determination that was there long before you learnt to doubt it.

Frequently asked questions about losing confidence

Why have I suddenly lost my confidence?

Sometimes there is an obvious trigger, such as criticism, rejection, a difficult experience, a relationship change or anxiety. At other times, confidence reduces gradually through repeated experiences, self-doubt or avoidance.

Can low confidence be learned?

Our experiences can influence the beliefs we develop about ourselves and what feels safe or risky. A person may begin avoiding situations where they anticipate criticism, embarrassment or failure, which can reinforce self-doubt.

Can anxiety cause low self-confidence?

Anxiety can make people question decisions, anticipate negative outcomes and avoid situations they previously managed. Over time, this can affect trust in their own ability.

Can I become confident again after years of self-doubt?

Past experiences can influence confidence, but they don't have to dictate what happens next. New experiences and different responses can provide new evidence about what you're capable of.

Do I need to feel confident before I do something?

Not necessarily. Often confidence develops after we've done something rather than before it. Sometimes willingness comes first: “I don't know exactly how this will go, but I'm willing to have a go.”

Can hypnotherapy help me become more confident?

Hypnotherapy can be used to explore the unconscious beliefs, associations and protective responses that may be contributing to self-doubt. The approach will depend on the individual and the experiences influencing their confidence.

Perhaps your confidence isn't gone

If you've spent years telling yourself:

“I'm just not a confident person,”

I'd invite you to question that assumption.

Think about everything you've learnt since the day you first attempted to crawl, stand, walk and communicate.

There has been determination within you for a very long time.

Life may have given you reasons to become more cautious.

Experiences may have taught you to question yourself.

Anxiety may have encouraged you to avoid things that once felt easy.

But perhaps that doesn't mean your confidence disappeared.

Perhaps it's time to reconnect with the determination that helped you become who you are in the first place.

If lack of confidence, anxiety or self-doubt is limiting what you do, I offer a free, no-obligation online consultation where we can talk about what's happening and whether hypnotherapy may be suitable for you.